He cheated. He lied. He cheated again. He lied. He confessed. He lied. He apologized. He lied.
You forgave him. You lied…??
Don’t stay because you fear loneliness.
Don’t leave because you want revenge
Don’t stay because of material benefits
Don’t leave because you can’t forgive
It’s hard trying to determine whether to stay or leave. Sometimes it takes separating to gain a clear perspective. We want to make sure our motives and intentions are right for whatever decision we make.
You can’t cheat on a woman over and over again and expect her to just get over it. It doesn’t work like that.
First, apologize when you know you’re wrong. That should go without saying, but it manages to elude some men. Don’t ruin your relationship by being an arrogant, cocky, egotistical, narcissistic asshole—one that can’t manage to do something as simple as say “I apologize.”
But, that’s just the beginning. Sometimes a woman doesn’t care that you’ve cheated, she just wants you to STOP.
Also know that when you cheat on your woman, you cause emotional damage. She feels alone. She feels resentful. She feels stupid.
You don’t break a heart then tell it to repair itself. Healing is a process. If you quarterbacked the hurt, than you damn well better quarterback the healing. This takes time.
There will be days when it disgusts her to even look at you. There will be days when she’ll want to slap the shit outta you. Days when she will not want you touching her, hugging her, kissing her, etc….so sex may be delayed for a while. She may have ‘crazy’ moments when she will cry or snap on you out of nowhere. Deal with it!!!
There are many women out here open to ‘open relationships;’–don’t force that onto a woman who desires monogamy.
There’s a difference between wishing he will change and hoping he will change. A wish is blind, and attaches itself to no valid reason for expecting results. Hope, on the other hand, isn’t empty.
You are not God, and you have no sure way of confirming that he won’t cheat again (unless you kill him :-/). However, there is reason to hope he won’t cheat again—IF this man is making honest attempts at changing without you breathing down his neck. He should go out of his way to help rebuild trust. So, hope after cheating may look like:
1. His phone is on the nightstand, not tucked away in his pants pocket on silent.
2. His so-called female ‘friends’ that you never met are no longer blowing up his phone. And all of his close friends that encourage cheating or glamorize the ‘player’ life are put on the back burner for a while.
3. He is no longer sending you to voice mail, then following up with excuses like ‘my battery exploded.’
4. He is exactly where he said he would be, when he said he would be there, with who he said he would be with. And, you can check his references if need be.
5. He spends more time with you and takes you out with him more often.
6. He gives you Too Much Information, just to cover all bases.
7. He overextends himself, comforts you, and reassures you.
8. If necessary and possible, he will change his environment.
9. He initiates and seeks help for any underlying issues that drove him to cheating. Perhaps he recommends couples’ counseling.
10. Lastly, you know your man better than I do. You knew when he was cheating and you will know if he quit. You really don’t need proof either way.
But, there is only so much monitoring you can do before you’ll have to just trust again. Now this means you may have to back up and give him space to prove himself. If you forgave him and decided to stay with him, than you have to give him an opportunity to show you something different.
Just because you chose to stay, it does not give you a pass to take this man through badgering, criticism, and suffering for the rest of ever. His faults and mistakes do not make him indebted to you. Be angry. Be hurt. Be confused. But, don’t be a total bitch. Don’t be vengeful and vindictive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to forget, but it does mean you can’t keep charging him with the same crime.
And, finally, at some point, you’ll have to have a one-on-one with yourself. His actions are only a part of the problem—you too are responsible for the pain you’ve caused yourself. So, in addition to forgiving him, forgive yourself.
And to ALL, we should be careful how we treat our spouse, man/woman, partner, etc. The damage you cause is the damage you’ll have to live with.